Over the long weekend I had a lot of time to reflect on the state of my affairs, both personal and professional. The result is that I need to do less reflecting and more doing. I am pretty much the same place I was days/weeks/months ago, and that shouldn’t surprise me, as I haven’t DONE anything differently. SO its come to this. The most basic tools of accountability. The Action Item List. Yuckie.
1. Start Dating. Not start thinking about dating, start working on profile, start looking into dating. I have been starting so long, I shudder to think how long the doing will take. It is time. I need to get out among the living. I am turning into my mother, a semi-recluse, and I don’t want that life for my son. I have a small circle of people around me, and that is entirely self-induced. I am exhausted by/afraid of/unnerved by being around people. No, you don’t understand. I am not shy or agoraphobic, quite the opposite. I just don’t like being around people. To meet me, you would never guess it. You would also never guess that I am so averse to inviting someone into my life (ok, so maybe that would be obvious…) because my life is cozy and calm for the most part. I am not up for the drama or the vacuuming required to date. Three dogs make a lot of fur, and most people are not ok with just stepping over the furbanks that grow on my floor. But its on the list, it must be done.
2. Start on classes: I may not be sure of my path, or if taking classes will move me along to the right place, but I do know that if I don’t do something, I will do nothing and that will NOT get me to the right place. I know this, because where I am is the wrong place, and doing nothing will keep me here. I can always make a change to my journey if I am not liking where I am going, but if I don’t start walking I will never be anywhere but here.
3. Start looking: I am torn on this one. On one hand, I need to get the heck out of this place. I am demoralized and devalued and just de-everything. The complacency and apathy necessary to survive here is contrary to my nature, and it hurts. On the other hand, I would be wise to keep my burdens light as I start walking on the new path. It would be more difficult to have a job that I actually need to think or perform, while taking classes. So the question is this: how much is my self-worth tied to a job when I know the job is not reflective of me or my abilities? Do I stay and take advantage of the benefits of this crap job (study time) or do I go with self-worth, and look for somewhere I actually earn my keep? Hmmm. I need to think about this, so it is a maybe.
4. Start working: I am not happy in this body. I realize that my body will change as I age, but this current form is just… unacceptable. I need to make the time and effort to have a body I am happy with. If I work hard, and I am still pudgy, then I can be happy.
5. LET GO. This is the hardest one of all, and probably needs subcategories.
a. Snott: Wow. This one is like the foot fungus that keeps coming back. I think I have made peace with it all, and then the itching and burning starts, and before I know it, I have the crude again. Today’s incident of the missed plane has exhausted me in ways I can’t explain. Not so much for the boy (for him I am just… sorry. Tired for and sorry for him. ) But the occasion has just brought up all the old feelings of exasperation and annoyance of all the years of having to parent my spouse. Why does his incompetence upset me still? It isn’t my problem anymore, yet I am feeling the fatigue of him again. WHY? Maybe because I know how she feels, and I feel sorry for her? That’s what it feels like, but I doubt its the true reason – I am just not all that interested in her well-being. (I don’t wish her any ill-will, I am just not that nice.) So I need to just breathe, remind myself how lucky I am that it isn’t my problem any more, and LET IT GO.
b. Brian: He made me doubt honesty in everyone, and doubt myself to the core. Bottom line, I just need to move on. Logically I know not everyone is a pathological liar, I just need to permit my logic to over-ride my emotional expectation that they are. I would also do well to allow my logic a stronger say in my choices in the future. This is truly the harder of the two, and so far it has been easier to just avoid the need to make a choice at all. This has to stop.
c. Mommy dearest: This one is really difficult. I can’t let it go, I have to give this one away. The only person that can take it is an old, sickly woman. Giving it to her will surely cause her great pain and misery, and that isn’t my intention (is it??) and I may find that I really only shared it with her, and still have most of in to carry around. So how do I get this resolved? I can’t do nothing, but the only thing I can do has the potential to cause great harm, and my not help fix it. Do I ignore it and wait for it to go away? Will I regret not unburdening this once she is gone and I don’t have the option any more?
Ok, so two for now. Not so bad.
This post is a total drag. I will write something funny later.
