Memorial Day memories

Posted on May 31, 2011 by One Little Bug

Over the long weekend I had a lot of time to reflect on the state of my affairs, both personal and professional.  The result is that I need to do less reflecting and more doing.  I am pretty much the same place I was days/weeks/months ago, and that shouldn’t surprise me, as I haven’t DONE anything differently. SO its come to this.  The most basic tools of accountability.  The Action Item List. Yuckie.

1.  Start Dating.  Not start thinking about dating, start working on profile, start looking into dating.  I have been starting so long, I shudder to think how long the doing will take.  It is time.  I need to get out among the living.  I am turning into my mother, a semi-recluse, and I don’t want that life for my son.  I have a small circle of people around me, and that is entirely self-induced.  I am exhausted by/afraid of/unnerved by being around people.   No, you don’t understand.  I am not shy or agoraphobic, quite the opposite.  I just don’t like being around people.  To meet me, you would never guess it.  You would also never guess that I am so averse to inviting someone into my life (ok, so maybe that would be obvious…) because my life is cozy and calm for the most part.  I am not up for the drama or the vacuuming required to date.  Three dogs make a lot of fur, and most people are not ok with just stepping over the furbanks that grow on my floor.  But its on the list, it must be done.

2.  Start on classes:  I may not be sure of my path, or if taking classes will move me along to the right place, but I do know that if I don’t do something, I will do nothing and that will NOT get me to the right place.  I know this, because where I am is the wrong place, and doing nothing will keep me here.  I can always make a change to my journey if I am not liking where I am going, but if I don’t start walking I will never be anywhere but here.

3.  Start looking:  I am torn on this one.  On one hand, I need to get the heck out of this place.  I am demoralized and devalued and just de-everything.  The complacency and apathy necessary to survive here is contrary to my nature, and it hurts.  On the other hand, I would be wise to keep my burdens light as I start walking on the new path.  It would be more difficult to have a job that I actually need to think or perform, while taking classes.  So the question is this:  how much is my self-worth tied to a job when I know the job is not reflective of me or my abilities?  Do I stay and take advantage of the benefits of this crap job (study time) or do I go with self-worth, and look for somewhere I actually earn my keep?  Hmmm.  I need to think about this, so it is a maybe.

4.  Start working:  I am not  happy in this body.  I realize that my body will change as I age, but this current form is just… unacceptable.  I need to make the time and effort to have a body I am happy with.  If I work hard, and I am still pudgy, then I can be happy.

5.  LET GO.  This is the hardest one of all, and probably needs subcategories.

a.  Snott:  Wow.  This one is like the foot fungus that keeps coming back.  I think I have made peace with it all, and then the itching and burning starts, and before I know it, I have the crude again.  Today’s incident of the missed plane has exhausted me in ways I can’t explain.  Not so much for the boy (for him I am just… sorry.  Tired for and sorry for him. )  But the occasion has just brought up all the old feelings of exasperation and annoyance of all the years of having to parent my spouse.  Why does his incompetence upset me still?  It isn’t my problem anymore, yet I am feeling the fatigue of him again.  WHY?  Maybe because I know how she feels, and I feel sorry for her?  That’s what it feels like, but I doubt its the true reason – I am just not all that interested in her well-being.  (I don’t wish her any ill-will, I am just not that nice.)  So I need to just breathe, remind myself how lucky I am that it isn’t my problem any more, and LET IT GO.

b.  Brian:  He made me doubt honesty in everyone, and doubt myself to the core.  Bottom line, I just need to move on.  Logically I know not everyone is a pathological liar, I just need to permit my logic to over-ride my emotional expectation that they are.  I would also do well to allow my logic a stronger say in my choices in the future.  This is truly the harder of the two, and so far it has been easier to just avoid the need to make a choice at all.  This has to stop.

c.  Mommy dearest:  This one is really difficult.  I can’t let it go, I have to give this one away.  The only person that can take it is an old, sickly woman.  Giving it to her will surely cause her great pain and misery, and that isn’t my intention (is it??) and I may find that I really only shared it with her, and still have most of in to carry around.  So how do I get this resolved?  I can’t do nothing, but the only thing I can do has the potential to cause great harm, and my not help fix it.  Do I ignore it and wait for it to go away?  Will I regret not unburdening this once she is gone and I don’t have the option any more?

Ok, so two for now.  Not so bad.

This post is a total drag.  I will write something funny later.

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I’m sorry already

Posted on March 24, 2011 by One Little Bug

So a few items to share.  First of all, to all the people that are looking for what this website used to be, and are unhappy that its now my silly little life blog and not the super awesome community forum, I just want to say I’M SORRY.  I didn’t hijack the old site and take it over to ruin it, I didn’t shut it down, I didn’t even know it existed.  I just liked the name and it was for sale.  It wasn’t me.  Evidently, the initial owner of the old forum was not the person actually running the site, and after a few instances of unnecessary muscle-flexing on her part, it all went to shit and the cool cat actually running it fled for greener pastures.  She never did anything with it (because I do believe he was the brains behind the whole thing) and so it expired, and I stumbled on it, and so here we are.  Please stop sending me nasty-grams, because I didn’t actually ruin anything.  I just picked up one of the pieces left behind.  I am sorry for your pain.  Truly.  Now be nice to me please.

But I have good news!  You can find the same forum, different name.  www.ihatemydamnlife.com.  It is there, waiting for you with open arms (unless you are spammer scum… they are on to you and you sneaky ways, and you will NOT feel the love so don’t even bother trying.)

Speaking of spammers…..  let me just get this out of the way all at once:

I do not know where you can find low cost student loans for single mothers, and no, I will not post your link.

I will not post your link for a new miracle cure for smoking addiction.

I will not post your link to you mail order bride website.  (Why are there no mail order husband websites??  Not that I want to order one, but I should have that option if I wanted to, shouldn’t I?)

I am not interested in posting a link for, nor purchasing a ‘secret herbal formula’ that will make my penis bigger.  Though I have to wonder… does this mean it will sprout me a penis and make it bigger?  Is ‘your penis’ an all-inclusive reference to include any such penis I don’t actually have attached but use from time to time?  Just wondering.  Still not interested.

I will not post any other links for anyone selling anything to anyone.  PERIOD.  Stop or I will spam you for a change and see how you like it.

 

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Breaking up is so hard to do

Posted on March 19, 2011 by One Little Bug

Uh, no wait.  I meant to say WAKING… waking up is so very hard to do.  I had such big plans for this morning, and somehow I managed to sleep in again.  I thought ending my love affair with ambien would help this, but it seems that my laziness is not medically induced.  Nuts to butts.  Oh well, everything I had planned for earlier will still be there later, after I have some coffee and relax.  Heck, I might go crazy and bathe today.  Ha ha… that was a joke.  That is so not even maybe going to happen.  Its Saturday, my day to fester and smell. 

It is such a beautiful day, I hate to waste it doing chores.  But if I don’t get anything done at all, I will have to endure a few days of self-loathing because I didn’t get anything done.  Dilemma. 

I would have slept later, but we had another run in with Fluffy today.  A little background… I have a neighbor that has a little poodle cleverly named Fluffy.  Unlike my dogs, Fluffy is in on the poop in your neighbor’s yard plan.  I don’t really care, not like a few poodle turds are going to tip the scale in my yard, its just that one of my dogs (Heidi, below) does not appreciate uninvited guests, and chooses to avoid a rude confrontation with these party-crashers by eating them.  So I have spoken to the neighbor and explained that while I am not at all averse to the poop, I can’t be responsible for any injury Fluffy might incur while crapping in my yard.  And honestly?  Poodles are supposed to be so smart, yet this dumb dog picks the one yard with a blood-thristy mutt to crash in?  Not so smart at all if you asked me.  So anyway, Fluffy got stuck in the yard this morning, and I was woken up by the feral screams of a poodle in fear for its life.  And by my neighbor pounding on my back door, screaming at me to come and stop my “baby-killing monster” from killing her baby.  Seriously?  My dog is at fault here?  OK, granted, she is somewhat of a murderous mutt, but still… she is in HER yard.  And the best part of all this?  When I stumble outside, woken from a nice fluffy slumber, to save her beloved dipshit suicidal dog, she looks at me over and says, “You were STILL IN BED??”  > blink blink<  I’m sorry, should I come back and save your dog when I am more presentable?

This is my baby-killing monster Heidi.  Couldn’t you just eat her up she is so cute?

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TGIF!!!

Posted on March 18, 2011 by One Little Bug

Finally!  Every Friday I think that it has been the longest week EVER, only to get the next Friday and think the same thing.  Note to self:  get hopping on that new life plan.

I have gotten a few comments/emails from other people that also hate their miserable life.  I know I feel better when I can spill my emotional baggage all over someone else, especially strangers that won’t (can’t) judge me for the contents of the baggage I lug around.  I am probably not the only one.  So if you also hate your miserable life, and want me to post it to see if anyone else has words of wisdom, sent it to me at misery@ihatemymiserablelife.com and I will post it.  This is not an open invitation to spew hate, either towards someone in your life, or someone that is posting about their life, so for the time being, I will be monitoring posts before they go live.  Sorry.  It would be really nice to assume people will be above using the faceless unaccountable nature of the internet to rant and rave and just be horrible because they can, but my experience has been otherwise.  Maybe some day we can all be nice?  But anyway, please feel free to send your story and I will post it.  God knows I don’t have anything interesting in my life to post about.  Sigh.

What do you call it when you make a resolution to do something, but its not New Years, and you actually kind of mean it?  I am trying to make some ‘positive changes’ but that isn’t binding enough.  I need a term that implies the seriousness of it, without sounding like some infomercial ninny or self-help book schmuck.  I can think of a bunch of those and they make me giggle, and that is really not the effect I am going for.  I am trying to be nicer to people, to stop being so antisocial, and to make an effort to have an active social life.  “Active social life” seems like what you would call all the grannies at the old folks home as they enjoy prune muffins on shuffle-board Tuesday.  And the truth is, my social life pales in comparison.  I have friends, I just don’t really like to spend time with them.  Or anyone else for that matter.  Which kind of makes you wonder about my friends, and why they would keep me in the posse… but when forced to socialize, I am a lot of fun, I swear!!

Anyway.  I am really looking forward to the weekend, and the nothing I have planned to do.  The only solid engagement I have is to pick up the dog poop from the yard.  I love my dogs, but I wish they would poop in the neighbor’s yard.  If I thought they would come back, I would accidentally leave the gate open so they could poop elsewhere.  But they would just run away and cause car accidents and bite small children and get diseases and ticks and whatnot, and then come back to our yard and take giant free-range craps right here at home – because like most folks, they like to do their important business at home -  and so there is no point in setting them free.  It would be nice though… you would be shocked to learn how much poop three dogs can produce.

So get out and enjoy the weekend, kiddos.  It is the only thing between you and another Monday.

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Change is good…

Posted on March 10, 2011 by One Little Bug

Change is good.  Change is good.  I keep saying it to myself, hoping that the act of saying the words will make it a reality.  So far, change has not been good.  In fact, its been the opposite of good.  Change is a zitty, constipated, exhausted fuzzy-haired mess.

My plan was simple.  Make a few simple changes that would make me a healthier person and would work in concert to make them all easier.  It sounded really good on paper:

1.  Detox.  Stop taking medications I don’t need to take.  Since I have no real chronic illness, this would be all medications.  So goodbye my dear friend xanex, my world will have many more sharp edges and pointy teeth, but I can manage.  Good bye ambien.  I will miss the coma-like sleep you gave me and the technicolor acid trip dreams we enjoyed together.

2.  Exercise:  Get off the couch, back into the gym, and sweat it out.  This was to get fit, hot, and healthy.  It was also supposed to wear me out so that I can actually sleep at night, and maybe I could sweat out some of the medication buildup.  I purchase spiffy new running pants, and some new sports bras so support me in my efforts.

3.  Eat less and eat better:  Pretty self-explanatory.  Instead of a can of pringles and a small continent of ice cream, maybe a nice salad and grilled chicken.  Instead of the chipotle fix at lunch, maybe a nice salad and some more grilled chicken.

4.  Hydrate:  Drink more water.  DRINK MORE WATER.

5.  Lose weight:  All of the four above have been shown in studies to increase weight loss.  No brainer, easiest win of all.

The best laid plans of mice and men…..  Were it really so simple I would be a happy camper.

So I start the ball rolling by going to the gym and busting my ass.  I sweat.  ALOT.  Surprisingly, I am keeping a decent pace and decide to up my target distance.  I am stoked!!!  And then… it happens.  What starts as a small itch blooms into a rub and then a full-blown pain in the crease under my breast where my brand new sports bra is rubbing excitedly.  I am also really close to my target distance (which is unbelievable -  how could I be such a badass and not even know it???) so I decide I am going to stick it out and finish.  I do finish, but the underboob is not happy, and I ache and hurt everywhere else.  I am exhausted before I ever get to my car, and end up crawling into the back seat for a pre-drive fetal time-out to muster up the energy to pilot myself home.

I go home, and drink some water (blech).  I have to pee.  That is when I notice that I have also acquired a rash on my nether regions from running in super awesome running pants that supported me in all the wrong places.  I pee, I cry.  No matter what they tell you on the survival shows, urine should NOT be applied to fresh open wounds.  Ever.  Now I stop drinking water because it hurts, and end up a little dehydrated because I had lost so much in sweat earlier.

I eat a healthy, well-balanced dinner.  I am still hungry and resort to picking through other people’s leftovers.  Now I am hungry and also ashamed.

But finally, sweet Lord above, finally!  Its bedtime!!  I am so exhausted that I can’t even force myself to shower, and so I just pop off the bra and collapse in a hungry, aching, mess (I know, that’s super gross, but don’t judge me).  This is when I felt the trickle of blood from the fresh scab that adhered to my sports bra, and subsequently left with it.  I now have an open festering topless blister wedged cozily in my boob crack.  I put a bandaide on it to keep it dry, and then proceed to toss and turn all night, because my body just doesn’t know how to sleep unaided.  I wake up late, and have to run through the morning without time to do anything but shower and throw on clothes and GO.  While doing this, I find that GUESS WHAT!?!  I am allergic to the glue in the bandaide, so now I have another rash of angry blisters all around my boob wound and it itches so badly that I was disappointed to find I was all out of steel wool.  My hair has taken on a life of its own, I have black circles under my eyes and no makeup to even try to hide it, my skin is a zit-farm from the sweat, my mouth is… well, its a sight to see.  Not only did I toss and turn all night, I also licked my lips all night so I have cracked chapped lips and a bright red ring of irritation all around my mouth – think clown lips.  My entire body hurts, my boob rash is probably infected and I can’t keep my hands out of my shirt because I am compulsively scratching the itchy hivey blisters and I am afraid to pee because it hurts badly enough to make me cry.

And its only 9:05am.  :(   Either my plan needs serious work, or change just sucks.

 

 

 

 

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At least I’m not that crazy…

Posted on March 8, 2011 by One Little Bug

I am so exhausted by the whole Charlie Sheen mess… and wow what a mess it is.  A shit-show to which future public trainwrecks will be measured by.  Is he on drugs?  Who cares.  (and yes, clearly)  Will he get back on his tv show?  Who cares.  (no he won’t, and I don’t care because that show is cute but not on my roster anyway.)  I am not upset with him personally… crazy is as crazy does, and I can only imagine that figuring out what is winning and what is crazy must be really difficult with so much unconditional acceptance.  Everything he does gets applause and support from his mooching reality buffer of people around him.  If no one in my life expected me to behave, and everything I did was applauded, I would be just as bad or maybe worse.  I would be rolling it in pajamas 24/7, but not the classy silk ones like Heff – oh no.  I am OG – old, worn, comfy lounge pants with holes, t-shirts from my glory days, fluffy slippers… and a trashbag of bling.  I would look like a bedazzled bag-lady until someone smacked me down.  “Hey.  Wow.  I can NOT be seen in public with you like that.”  and then, well…. I may not be so crazy the next day.  Poor Charlie doesn’t have that kind of tough love, he only has lots of money instead.  So he continues to flare out of control, the self-serving mooches applaud, and I… well I don’t really care.  BUT I am pissed off at all the tv shows that cover this like its news.  Its not news.  It is a waste of good airtime, and I for one am appalled that this is the best you can crank out.  Aren’t there anymore normal crazy people left to do tv shows about??

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Ugh.

Posted on March 1, 2011 by One Little Bug

Today is the first day of the rest of my miserable life.

I am not complaining…  it isn’t miserable by standard definition, not like I am starving or homeless or married to my own cousin.  I am comfortable and I really am grateful for that.  Its just bad… for ME.  Like that guy I loved in high school for all the wrong reasons…  he was a great guy but not the one for me.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life, but if I don’t do something about it, it will be just as miserable this time next year as it is now (as it was this time last year.)  My mission is to figure out what exactly makes me miserable, and more importantly, what doesn’t make me miserable, and make changes toward that direction.

Like so many people of a certain age, I started on this path of building a life with the right ideas.  But somewhere along the way, I stopped measuring my choices in total, and measured only in steps.  I worked hard on everything I have accomplished – each step making me “better” than I was the day before.  I didn’t quite see that many of these steps were steps in the wrong direction.  A step towards something good, just not good for me.  So now, here I am… in a life that fits me like a cheap suit.  I work too many hours in a job that I don’t believe does anyone any good, for a company that I know does much harm to many.  I work for a boss that can’t manage himself, let alone anyone else.   I have boxed myself in financially such that I can’t just quit.  I could find another job, but unless I make some big changes and decisions, it will be same bullshit, different bull.  I don’t need a different job, I need a different path.

And today is the first step on that new path.  After I have walked a while, I may find myself in a new life full of purpose and joy.  Or maybe not.  But at least I will have burned a calorie along the way.  Wish me luck.

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